Buy Adult Toys

That is the moral of all morals. Buy adult toys, because if you’re religious, you’ll get screwed. I made it to the church unfortunately and I started to sweat torrentially. I wasn’t even inside and I was trapped in the coffin by the pristianity of the scene, walking into a church is like strangling your penis with a leather knot or suing a lawyer. There’s no hope. Buy adult toys. The program read: Bible stuff and Buy adult toys. When told by higher powers, what else can you do?In fact, skip the fire and brimstone and go for adult toys and entertainment DVDs to buy your way out of hell. There’s just no way to win, you know, if it’s right, ‘greater be god’s glory’, if it’s wrong, ‘it’s your fucking fault’. So just go ahead and capitulate and buy adult toys.

Religion stifles me, that ‘hey brothers come feel the love’ vibe wigs me out. Some guy smiling me down with a fat old waistline and a 70’s disco car salesmen schtick grinds at me even if it really is milk and cookies? A brother’s got to get laid once in a while, getting laid evens things out so sometimes you just need to buy adult toys. If there isn’t any Life, there can’t be Death, and both, Life & Death, or so religion tells me, get you to heaven, which begets you death. Buy adult toys, it begets you sex.

All roads lead to heaven, ain’t that grand.  I hear these days you can find god strapping a bomb to your nads or in prison, getting laid, asking for money, whatever. Even in a grilled cheese with tomato in the shape of his mother’s profile. That God guy is everywhere until your rent is due and you’re out of work and they cut off the cable and Billy “Superstar” Graham can’t remind you of Him. Then he’s nowhere to be found. He’s probably buying adult sex toys. Then god’s just a repo guy named Dale wearing overalls and an inbred smile with a piece of paper with your name and number on it.

So I’m sweating torrents crossing the chipped tired parking lot to this black-eyed church. I’m smoking two cigarettes, smoking them down, stalling, and I’m not even the one getting married, you know? A poor friend is marrying some religious chick, away hairy mary? God I wish I could buy adult toys for him right now. He’d need them.

I enter the cool tomblike coffin, replete with foyer and brass candelabras and grinning kids pandhandling flyers…I’m really scared now…one of these white stocking nazi kids running around, who’s parent has pimped them off to David Koresh, is packing a Martha Stewart deep inside. She comes with a special patented $ .29 toy created by Clive Barker and Mayor McCheese, and the human race will have to survive it one day and start a Dr. Phil type talk show to figure it out afterwards. But sex toys are bad?

One of the halo clad little demons approaches and asks for change for a tin plate to be fed to this religious incorporation:

‘Sure honey, I’ll take a 5$ scratch-off ticket if it’ll keep me out of hell. Oops, I lost, just like Michael Jackson!’  So she takes my last five bucks, the ones I’d saved my whole life to use to buy gas for work tomorrow, & we enter the stifling vault…with the wafers and the wine and the pointy hat, whole nine. I hear those words I’ve been waiting forever to hear: Buy adult sex toys and fricking porno DVD’s